Logline: A girl meets a weird male "ghost" who appeared and won't disappear until she finds a trigger.
A girl walks down an unassuming hallway reading a paper in her hand only to accidentally kick something. She looks down and finds out that it is a watch. She picks it up and stares closely at it, saying how the spoiled the kinds at the school are. A masculine voice says "That looks kind of familiar". She looks up unassumingly and says, "That's weird" He pops way back through a jump cut." "Now that's really weird."
Cut to walking down the street, the guy behind her in an awkward way. "Well, you are pretty much the only person who can see me, aaaaannnnddd you did pick up my watch, so imma follow you until you can find a way to help me out" "...[sigh] Well I guess it has to do with this watch. I don't really have the heart to throw it away...maybe its some kind of trigger a ghost needs" He shrugs his shoulders in semi-agreement. She walks up to her house, sighs again, and begrudgingly lets him in.
Cut to her walking through the door into her bedroom. She sits down and starts to fiddle with the watch. Clearly this watch isn't working, and we can see this on her face and with the watch. "Weird, I can't remember ever getting this watch to work." "Why is that?" she says, only slightly interested. "Probably too lazy to. Or maybe I was just too distracted, or apathetic. Kinda like you." "Apathy?" "Yeah, you barely care for anything." "Well, I cared enough not to throw your watch away." Awkward silence. "Yeah, you did. I do things like that too often." Meanwhile he flashes back to his past, people turning away from him and brushing his off. "Maybe that's why I'm dead and stuck." Flashback to him preparing to jump off a cliff "...well I guess that's why I'm here." She finally gets the clock moving again. He starts to disappear and says "Well, I'll be seeing you...someday" The girl smiles slightly, "Yeah, right. If only."
A few weeks later as the girl is a her desk looking at the watch, the door behind her opens up. She turns around and the boy is there. "Well, I thought I should get my watch back. Your mom let me in pretty easily. Its nice to be seen again."
She smiles and he comes closer to her, flashing out light to black credits.
honestly, a lot of this seemed really confusing. The dialogue threw me off a lot... like... so she finds a watch... and a ghost appears? and... i can't exxactly grasp the relationship between the ghost and the girl. But I can see where you can use some stylistic devices that are similar to Amelie and I really like the ending. The ending is spooky, but in a comedic sense, so I think that is pretty cleverly done. But I think the structure needs a little more work
ReplyDeleteI agree with Crystal Dwyer, you should cut out all the dialogue and describe the imagery of the scenes. I can see the watch as a way of meeting, but where does the meeting take them? Does he offer her a maxim of life, or do they have a special connection that she doesn't have with real people?
ReplyDeletePerhaps the watch can be representative of something as well. I wanna see what you can do with that.
It's good that you provide back-story as well, but you only need a line or two that will pull the audience into the background of the boy.
Remember, dialogue is easy to write, but golden dialogue is something born from your experiences.
I think it will be interesting to watch your film, mostly because of the jump cuts. But, the idea of a ghost is interesting I think it would be hard and a pain to deal with the effects of being "ghost like". Overall I think you should do this and describe some scenes more because it is pretty interesting.
ReplyDeleteThe jumpshot idea is cool and everything but there was too much dialogue. Make sure to make your treatment and idea clear. But i think you did a nice job nice the idea though of the girl and the ghost.
ReplyDelete